Recommended daily allowance
According to Craig, whose research has not been independently reviewed.
A man. A red can. No exit strategy.
Craig doesn’t drink Folgers.
He maintains a relationship with it.
For years, friends and family called it “morning coffee.” We now understand that the morning was merely when witnesses were present.
Review the findings
Status Caffeinated
Last known cup Recently
Intervention Postponed
Case File 01
The condition
What began as a practical way to wake up has become an intricate system of rituals, contingency plans, and red plastic scoops.
Recognized warning signs
- Refers to a fresh pot as “a clean start.”
- Can hear the lid come off from two rooms away.
- Distrusts coffee that requires adjectives.
- Considers an empty can a household emergency.
- Has never once asked, “Is it too late for coffee?”
Case File 02
The daily ritual
- 05:47
First contact
Craig enters the kitchen. Conversation is discouraged.
- 05:49
The measure
“One scoop per cup” is interpreted as a loose philosophical suggestion.
- 05:53
Stabilization
Color returns to the world. Basic motor functions resume.
- 06:12
Preventive maintenance
A second cup is poured before any symptoms can reappear.
We tried hiding it once. Craig stood perfectly still, turned toward the pantry, and found it in under twelve seconds.
— Anonymous household witness
Supplemental Finding
Craig the Beachcomber
Even in paradise, Craig remains prepared. Sunscreen, hat, emergency mug. He believes island time begins only after the pot finishes brewing.
Field Note No. 07
Subject observed staring toward a distant volcano. Later clarified he was calculating whether the resort lobby had free refills.
Live Diagnostic
Is Craig okay?
Run the only test recognized by this organization.