CLF Craig Loves FolgersEst. before anyone can remember

A man. A red can. No exit strategy.

Craig doesn’t just drink Folgers.

He lives for it.

The equipment says “coffee connoisseur.” The bloodstream says Folgers. Craig publicly condemns it, privately worships it, and medically requires it.

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Status Caffeinated Last known cup Recently Intervention Postponed

Case File 01

The condition

Craig presents himself as a discerning coffee authority. The evidence instead suggests a man using elaborate equipment to conceal an extremely uncomplicated devotion to Folgers.

Craig leaning over a kitchen table and snorting ground coffee beside a red can of Folgers
Observed administration methodDosage remains between Craig and his nostrils.

Recognized warning signs

  • Refers to Folgers as “the red mistress” and becomes defensive when asked to elaborate.
  • Has been caught whispering “the best part of waking up” to himself at inappropriate times.
  • Maintains prolonged, uncomfortable eye contact with the Folgers can while preparing a fresh pot.
  • Insists there is nothing sexual about his relationship with Folgers despite nobody having suggested there was.
  • Has repeatedly been asked to stop describing the aroma as “intoxicatingly erotic.”

Case File 02

The daily ritual

  1. 05:47

    The awakening

    Craig enters the kitchen. His eyes lock onto the red can. Nobody speaks.

  2. 05:49

    Foreplay

    He slowly peels back the lid, inhales deeply, and whispers, “Good morning, beautiful.”

  3. 05:53

    Consummation

    First sip. Craig closes his eyes and grips the counter until the moment passes.

  4. 06:12

    Aftercare

    He wipes the rim of the mug, thanks the can for what they shared, then immediately starts another pot.

Craig says he can quit anytime. He has never specified whether he means after this cup or after the next pot.

— Anonymous member of the Craig Coffee Research Council

Supplemental Finding

Craig the Beachcomber

Even in paradise, Craig cannot escape the pull of the red mistress. Sunscreen and dignity are optional. Emergency Folgers is not. By sunset he has usually found a private place to “brew,” and nobody asks what that means anymore.

Field Note No. 07

Subject observed staring toward a distant volcano, visibly flushed. Later admitted he was imagining the crater filled with hot Folgers and asked whether bathing in it would “count as cheating.”

Live Diagnostic

Is Craig okay?

Run the only test recognized by this organization.

Final Exhibit

FREEZE! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND TURN AROUND

Warning: front view confirms advanced Folgers devotion.

Officially Unofficial

Wear the craving.

Shop Craig’s extremely intimate devotion to Folgers in shirt, mug, hat, poster, canister, brief, and suppository form.

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