Recommended daily allowance
According to Craig, whose research has not been independently reviewed.
A man. A red can. No exit strategy.
Craig doesn’t just drink Folgers.
He lives for it.
The equipment says “coffee connoisseur.” The bloodstream says Folgers. Craig publicly condemns it, privately worships it, and medically requires it.
Review the findings
Status Caffeinated
Last known cup Recently
Intervention Postponed
Case File 01
The condition
Craig presents himself as a discerning coffee authority. The evidence instead suggests a man using elaborate equipment to conceal an extremely uncomplicated devotion to Folgers.
Recognized warning signs
- Calibrates the equipment carefully, then glances toward the red can.
- Describes Folgers as having “an honest finish” when he thinks nobody is listening.
- Hides the can behind bags labeled with distant mountain ranges.
- Insists his brand loyalty is “ironic” while starting another pot.
- Enters a low-power state whenever the supply falls below half a can.
Case File 02
The daily ritual
- 05:47
First contact
Craig enters the kitchen. Conversation is discouraged.
- 05:49
The measure
“One scoop per cup” is interpreted as a loose philosophical suggestion.
- 05:53
Stabilization
Color returns to the world. Basic motor functions resume.
- 06:12
Preventive maintenance
A second cup is poured before any symptoms can reappear.
Craig says he can quit anytime. He has never specified whether he means after this cup or after the next pot.
— Anonymous member of the Craig Coffee Research Council
Supplemental Finding
Craig the Beachcomber
Even in paradise, Craig remains prepared. Sunscreen, hat, emergency mug. He believes island time begins only after the pot finishes brewing.
Field Note No. 07
Subject observed staring toward a distant volcano. Later clarified he was calculating whether the resort lobby had free refills.
Live Diagnostic
Is Craig okay?
Run the only test recognized by this organization.
Yes. Craig is under the influence of his beloved Folgers.
Final Exhibit
The full extent of the condition
Observe the subject from all available angles. The evidence presents itself.
Warning: front view confirms advanced Folgers devotion.