CLF Craig Loves FolgersEst. before anyone can remember

A man. A red can. No exit strategy.

Craig doesn’t just drink Folgers.

He lives for it.

The equipment says “coffee connoisseur.” The bloodstream says Folgers. Craig publicly condemns it, privately worships it, and medically requires it.

Review the findings
Status Caffeinated Last known cup Recently Intervention Postponed

Case File 01

The condition

Craig presents himself as a discerning coffee authority. The evidence instead suggests a man using elaborate equipment to conceal an extremely uncomplicated devotion to Folgers.

∞

Recommended daily allowance

According to Craig, whose research has not been independently reviewed.

Recognized warning signs

  • Calibrates the equipment carefully, then glances toward the red can.
  • Describes Folgers as having “an honest finish” when he thinks nobody is listening.
  • Hides the can behind bags labeled with distant mountain ranges.
  • Insists his brand loyalty is “ironic” while starting another pot.
  • Enters a low-power state whenever the supply falls below half a can.

Case File 02

The daily ritual

  1. 05:47

    First contact

    Craig enters the kitchen. Conversation is discouraged.

  2. 05:49

    The measure

    “One scoop per cup” is interpreted as a loose philosophical suggestion.

  3. 05:53

    Stabilization

    Color returns to the world. Basic motor functions resume.

  4. 06:12

    Preventive maintenance

    A second cup is poured before any symptoms can reappear.

Craig says he can quit anytime. He has never specified whether he means after this cup or after the next pot.

— Anonymous member of the Craig Coffee Research Council

Supplemental Finding

Craig the Beachcomber

Even in paradise, Craig remains prepared. Sunscreen, hat, emergency mug. He believes island time begins only after the pot finishes brewing.

Field Note No. 07

Subject observed staring toward a distant volcano. Later clarified he was calculating whether the resort lobby had free refills.

Live Diagnostic

Is Craig okay?

Run the only test recognized by this organization.

Final Exhibit

FREEZE! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND TURN AROUND

Warning: front view confirms advanced Folgers devotion.